Living now instead of future or past

The past couple of months were the happiest I can remember. Nothing special happened, actually, but the time itself and the way I felt about it was special.

I got into a perfect routine, when I wake up early in the morning without an alarm but with the birds chirping outside. Or with Freddie whining for me to get up and go for a walk. Then, the first thing in the morning, we go out for at least half hour walk in the woods. It’s like a meditation for me. During the day, I get to spend a lot of quality time with my partner, cook us tasty and fresh meals, read a book whenever I want to, or take a nap.

Those past few months were the most balanced ones I’ve ever experienced. And it feels so good. Just a healthy amount of stress, lots of love, and self realisation.

However, I felt like I didn’t want to get asked How are you? or What’s up?

Present can be simple, and important

Honestly, I was used to the fast paced life when a lot was happening and a lot was in the nearest future plans. Work, studies, personal life goals, there was a lot.

And whenever i was asked those seemingly simple questions How are you? or What’s up?, I had a lot to say about the things that were happening or were about to happen.

In my mindset, it was like a formula, running in the background, ready to share the greatest achievements of the near past and future. I was always hustling, planning, running, and checking great things off my to-do list.

However, since I embraced the slow lifestyle and settled down in my mind, I feel ashamed that there’s no superb things I could measure happening in my life anymore.

So my answers to those questions were… too simple, I guess.

Thanks, I’m great! I get to spend a lot of time with my boyfriend, go on long walks each day, cook, clean home, create, and do what ever I want.

I felt like these things were not enough. Like I wasn’t doing enough. And a couple of times, this answer of mine was followed by an awkward silence. That was extremely uncomfortable and made me question if I really was enough. Silly, I know.

But when I was asked these questions again, I suddenly realised that this is perfect. I’m living the moment. I don’t care about the past nor the future. Okay, I do care, but not too much. What matters to me now is to have a great day. And that’s it.

Probably you know this story/ joke how a man comes to a fellow sitting by a palm tree in the beach and offers him an incredible business opportunity where he’ll be able to earn lots of money and eventually spend his days resting in the beach under a palm tree.

So I’m under my palm tree in the beach now.

Being present is not easy

However, only now have I understood the state I’m at. I needed nine months living by my own schedule, doing whatever I want whenever I want, naturally embracing the slow life and not having grand things on to-do plan. And up until now, even though I felt good, I felt responsibility to show other that I’m doing something extraordinary.

Well, and the sad thing is, it’s not only me. I know, that a lot friends of mine live in a similar state of mind, when you’re either in the past or in the future but never present.

Today was not enough for the society. But I hope, that now, when all the world was made to slow down, more people will embrace the presence. Because it simply feels so good.

Today

Today I went for a morning walk in the woods with Freddie and it was pouring cats and dogs. But the trees and the soil smelled amazing. And the sound of rain hitting my raincoat, puddles, leaves… It was the most beautiful sound. Then, I washed Freddie in the bath, made myself a cup of coffee and watched Netflix while drinking it. Oh, and the whole living room was filled with the smell of wet dog fur. Love that smell. After that, I worked, cooked delicious ribs, had cozy time with my love, worked again, went to the woods two more times, said Hi to at least six people, watched leaves, a couple of birds, got soaked in rain, looked at the young moon and felt so happy I could cry.

I don’t want to live in the past. And I don’t want to live waiting for the future. All I want is enjoy the time I have right now. And I wish you to want these things one day too. Because it seriously feels so good you could cry.

April 16, 2021