The liberating feeling of a decision

There was a time when I wanted to live the life of my dreams and I thought I knew how to do that. In my notebook, I had a checklist. Having a well paid job, position in marketing, being happy with my boyfriend, living in our own home, having great relationships with my parents, finding time for friends (often), traveling, taking care of myself, studying, keeping on writing on this blog, finding other ways to express my creative self… You got it.

I wanted to have it all and honestly believed it was possible.

Well, the truth is, we all have 24 hours per day and it‘s not adjustable.

Recently, next to each of those checklist items, I marked Done.

And since the checklist was completed, I began having some of the hardest ups and downs. And it was because I slept not enough, I ate not enough (or ate not the right food), couldn‘t spend as much quality time with my relatives and friends or have quality time with myself and so on. Each week and each day was about decisions and trying my best to have it all.

That was devastating.

One day, when I was at the lectures but couldn‘t concentrate anymore and the only thing I truly wanted was to sleep, a thought came by…

Is that the life I was wishing for?

And then I remembered all the promises to myself and to others… How I promised my parents to help them tidy up my old room where are still lots of my stuff left after moving out, how I promised myself to meet with friends at least every two weeks and to keep them close, how I wanted to read a book while I‘m not sleepy and with no time limit (yup, lately I had time limits for reading for pleasure) and many other similar promises.

Having only a couple of hours after work and university, weekends and four weeks per year to do it all is not enough. There‘s no way it could be enough for all those things I want to do in life. And either I will never do them, or change something.

That‘s when I made the decision.

I believe it‘s the only option. To say farewell. To find an alternative. To have more time and be flexible. I can‘t write what exactly it is yet but when the time will come, you’ll know.

After I told it aloud to my boyfriend and family, it all became so real. Now I can feel in my heart that it‘s the best decision I could make in this situation.

However, no matter how tough it might be, I know I will go through it. In the end, everything will turn out to be even better.

Well, and even though I have to wait a little bit to make this happen, it‘s incredibly liberating. I know I won‘t change my mind and I‘m already preparing myself for that new chapter in my life.

I can‘t wait to see what the new year will bring!

November 22, 2019