Knowing who you are

Recently I had quite an unusual weekend. There was an event where people could visit a former prison, watch a movie about people who spend years behind the bars and participate in a discussion after that. The discussion was the most interesting part of all that because there were two psychologists who work with prisoners and one man, who spent two years in prison and it‘s his second year in freedom. That man represented himself as a student. Not a former prisoner. And one the psychologists said that it‘s very important how we see ourselves because we act accordingly.

This hit me, hard. After some time of inner confusion and all the self-doubt struggles I was going through, I finally understood – I don‘t know who I am.

Can a woman be called a girl by neighbors? Or if I‘ll be wearing a backpack and sneakers and my hair won‘t be straightened and I won‘t have makeup – could someone see that I‘m not 15 but 25? And is it adult to be afraid of business meetings even though I know I always perform superbly at them? And why am I afraid of wearing heels or a dress with a lower neckline? These and sooo much more questions are standing in my way and it‘s so freaking difficult to cope with them…

First of all, I don‘t know if I‘m still a girl or already a woman. I feel like something in between and that makes my life so complicated. I think it‘s the number one question that I have to prove myself, it would allow getting rid of most of those acting-looking questions that I have.

But none the less important question is, what kind of a person I am? Am I a writer? Content creator? Marketing manager? Student? Dreamer? 

Honestly, I‘m all of the above but at the same time, I have no idea who I am.

I feel lost in the never-ending rush. I feel lost in not having enough time for the things I love even though my whole time is also spent on the things I love, just others. And I don‘t know how to do that all unless I would be sleepless. 

From time to time, I sit down with a piece of paper, to ask myself who I am and who I want to become. Each time, by the end of this, I feel like everything is clear but it doesn‘t last long. After a couple of days, all that starts to fade away, and after a couple of weeks, I feel lost again. 

I have no idea how to get away from all that. I just wanted to say out loud – I don‘t know who I am. 

September 19, 2019